Trying to regain what little faith I have left. Trying to trust that my babies weren’t taken from me for no reason. Trusting that there was a reason for my pain and suffering and trusting that one day I will know the reasons why. Trust that my rainbow is coming…
❤ Caden, Brady, & Spencer ❤
In January 2011 my husband and I found out that we were unexpectedly expecting our 3rd child. Once the shock of having another child wore off, we began preparing for our impending arrival almost immediately; diapers, bottles, and formula were purchased within days. This pregnancy was by far my worst. I was horribly sick and extremely fatigued. At 8 weeks I began to experience periodic bleeding. At my 9 week ultrasound, I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma. It wasn’t until I began bleeding very heavily on Monday, April 11, 2011 at 15w2d did we get the worst news of our lives; our baby no longer had a heartbeat and was only measuring 11w2d. I was diagnosed as having a missed miscarriage and my D&C was scheduled for the very next morning. Because this was our first loss we opted to not have any genetic testing done on our baby, having no way of knowing what the coming months would bring. We will never know the reason why we lost our baby and we will never know whether our baby was a boy or a girl and for that reason we decided to choose a gender neutral name for our angel. We chose the name Caden in our best attempt at combing Hayden and Connor’s names. For the middle name we chose Ryann simply because we liked it.
Two short months later we were pregnant again. As nervous as I was at the thought of being pregnant again, I did my best to think positive thoughts and kept telling myself that lightning couldn’t strike twice, right? Wrong! Because of my fear of losing this baby I rented a doppler so that I could monitor fetal heart tones at home. I was able to find my baby’s heartbeat at exactly 9 weeks. It was the most calming sound I have ever heard and was music to my worried soul. At 2:00pm on Monday, August 8, 2011 our baby had a nice, strong heartbeat. However, less than 4 hours later it was gone. Ultrasound confirmed on August 9, 2011 that our baby no longer had a heartbeat at 10w3d. Chromosome analysis revealed that there was nothing wrong with our SON, whom we named Brady Thomas.
Fast forward 8 months and we’re pregnant again! This pregnancy started out much the same way as my pregnancy with Brady. Early HcG and Progesterone checks to make sure my levels were good and various early ultrasounds. Again, with the fear of losing this baby deeply embedded in my mind, body, and soul I rented another doppler and began picking up baby’s beautiful heartbeat at 9w1d having no way of knowing that my precious baby would only be with me for one more week. On the evening of Monday, June 12, 2012 our baby had a nice, strong heartbeat. By the very next morning, Tuesday, June 13, 2012, our baby’s heartbeat was gone and for the third time in 14 months ultrasound confirmed that our baby had no heartbeat at 10w1d. We are still awaiting chromosome/gender analysis results.
So here I sit, almost 4 weeks after losing my third baby in 14 months holding on to what little hope and faith I have left. I am anxiously awaiting my August 6th appointment with Dr. Robert Austin at Maternal Fetal Medicine here in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I am putting all the hope and faith that I have left into Dr. Austin in hopes that he will soon be able to give me some answers as to why I am suddenly unable to carry a baby past the 1st trimester, much less to term. So for now, I wait…
Welcome to MommyOf3Angels blog. If you’re visiting (or following) let me first begin my expressing my condolences for your loss(es). Having experienced 3 losses of my own, I unfortunately know first hand how devastating and heartbreaking it is and the long, hard road that lies ahead; physically, mentally, and emotionally. However, throughout my journey I have met some strong and amazing women along the way; women that were brought into my life due to unfortunate circumstances, but women that have helped me to “survive” my journey nonetheless. Without these women, I don’t know where I would be today. My goal by starting this blog is to hopefully help other women in their journey as they grieve for the babies they will never meet. All thoughts, opinions, feelings, and beliefs expressed throughout this blog are mine alone and are in no way, shape, or form expressed to offend, judge, or criticize anyone else.
So who is MommyOf3Angels? I am a 32-year-old certified teacher turned stay-at-home mom to 2 wonderful little boys; Hayden (left), 4 years, and Connor (right), 3 years.
Hayden & Connor
I have been married for 5 years to my husband, Ty. Ty works in the auto industry and I stay at home with our boys. I am a certified teacher in the state of Michigan and am currently pursuing my Masters in Special Education: Cognitive Impairment. Hayden is my inspiration for doing so. In April 2010, Hayden was diagnosed with Autism and from there my world changed. My days were soon filled from morning to evening with transporting Hayden to and from school and several therapies a week. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. He has made leaps and bounds and I am so very proud of him. My youngest, Connor, is an amazing little boy as well. He is the kindest, sweetest, and most sensitive little boy you will ever meet. He has a smile and personality that can light up any room.
Now meet my babies. Caden Ryann (top), Brady Thomas (middle) and Angel #3 (bottom, awaiting gender results).
Our 3 Angels
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MommyOf3Angels 