MommyOf3Angels

A reflective and supportive blog for those trying to survive life and find their "new normal" after multiple pregnancy losses.

Broken Dreams January 4, 2013

Filed under: General Feelings — Christina @ 8:18 PM

God didn’t chose to finish you,
I’ll never watch you grow.
I had such hopes and plans for you,
But now, I’ll never know.
I never even thought of this,
The fear never even crossed my mind.
I only thought the best would come,
I left all of my doubts behind.
But God, in all His wisdom said, “This isn’t meant to be. Just trust me and someday you will know what now is hard to see.”
Little Spencer, I still love you
Although, no one seems to understands.
I’m sure He’ll finish you in heaven,
So I’ll sadly place you in His hands.

As the weekend approaches I am about to be swamped with an endless list of things to do in preparation for our move next week.  We officially close on our first house this coming Monday, January 7th with painting, cleaning, moving, and unpacking to soon follow.

However, my sweet angel, Spencer’s, due date is on Tuesday, January 8th.  I wanted to take a brief moment to remember him and his short life before the stresses of a big move consume me.  It’s important to me that I not only honor these “anniversary dates” but that I also take the time to grieve over what they represent.  Although I am truly thankful and excited to be a first time home owner, I’d much rather be starting this new year off with my newborn son.

Mommy loves you to the moon and back my sweet Spencer.  Happy “Due Date” to my third angel, my “5th son.”

Spencer Johnathan June 13, 2012
10w1d

Spencer Johnathan
June 13, 2012
10w1d

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One Month Later… December 1, 2012

Filed under: General Feelings,Updates — Christina @ 8:09 PM

It’s been a whole month since I’ve last blogged.  Crazy to think that you simply blink and a month passes you by.  My recent lack of blogging has nothing to do with me having nothing to say or share.  Life is just so incredibly busy sometimes that my thoughts and emotions regarding my angels sometimes have to get pushed deep down inside me in order for me to focus on what needs my immediate attention.

Aside from my everyday hectic life (school 5 days/week for Hayden, school once/week for me, homework, 3 therapy sessions/week, Connor’s evaluations/diagnosis/starting of school 4 days/week for him, housework, the dog, marriage, etc) my husband and I recently bought our first house.  As exciting as it is it’s also a very stressful process, especially when dealing with a VA loan that makes you jump through extra hoops.  BUT, we should close the very beginning of January.  I’m hoping that by starting the new year off right (with a new house) that nothing but good will continue to follow in its footsteps and make Spencer’s January 8th due date a little easier to bear.

In the past 2 years (2010-2012) I have dealt with a diagnosis of Autism for my oldest and all that comes with that, my youngest also qualifying for Early Childhood Special Education services under Speech/Language Impairment, financial highs and lows, the loss of my beloved dog Daisy, and the loss of my 3 beautiful babies.  I know that I may not have it as bad as some people and I am truly thankful for all the good that’s in my life, but sometimes I just feel as though I deserve a break and God can pick on someone else for a while.

Thanksgiving was undoubtably very difficult for me to get through.  I woke up feeling so anxious and uneasy about the day.  I don’t know what it is about the holiday season, but ever since losing my angels it is by far the hardest part of the year to live through.  I hate the fact that I no longer find joy in this time of year and my attitude proves it.  I tried my best to enjoy Thanksgiving Day, but wound up leaving and going to see a movie by myself.  I’m hoping that every holiday season won’t bring me so much misery and pain.  I am in such a dark place right now and as much as I try to not think about where I’m at it shows in my everyday life; I’m at my heaviest weight ever, aside from my boys nothing brings me joy, peace, or happiness, I cry a lot, I feel very lonely, I have pulled away from several of my friends, etc.  I know this is not a healthy way to grieve and I do try really hard to be happy, but I’m simply not.  I want my babies back or at the very least wish I never had to know this kind of pain and loss.  The only good, if there is any good that could come out of such a loss, are my fellow angel moms.  They are truly my saviors.  Without them I would probably be in an even darker hole.  I am so thankful for them, for their strength, their courage, their shoulders to cry on, their ears to listen, their patience and understanding, and their life long friendships.  So to all my angel mommies, thank you so much for all that you do.  I truly believe that my angels sent you to me knowing that this was not a path I could walk alone.

On a side note, I also have the SHARE Holiday Memorial coming up this Friday night.  Last year I forced myself not to cry throughout the memorial and did a great job at it.  However, this year I plan on letting it all out.  As difficult as this memorial service is in a way, it’s also the best thing for me.  I am surrounded by my fellow angel mommies and daddies who have lived through the same hell as me.  I will be reading a couple of poems again this year and also plan on bringing Connor along with me.  My girlfriend Suzy will be going with me again this year so she will be able to help me keep Connor in check.  I feel the need to include him this year since he has as much understanding of his angel siblings as a 3 year old can.  It’s important to me that my boys know about their younger siblings and to make keeping their memories alive a family tradition.  I have chosen to leave Hayden at home with Ty since I feel as though the memorial will be too overwhelming for him.  As far as Ty is concerned, well I simply don’t invite him (although he is aware of where I’m going and could always “ask” to go if he wanted to).  I feel as though I have grieved over and remembered my babies all by myself and at this point in the process I find it strange to have it any other way, no matter how much I wish the outcome of our losses were different.  I will blog and post picture of the holiday memorial next weekend.

 

Capture Your Grief – Days 1 & 31 November 1, 2012

Filed under: Capture Your Grief — Christina @ 2:29 PM

Days 1 and 31 of Capture Your Grief have us taking a picture of a sunrise and a sunset.  Since we are in the midst of fall right now in Western Michigan there aren’t too many opportunities in which to capture a sunrise and sunset.  The Capture Your Grief assignment was truly an inspirational and reflective journey.  I am so glad that I decided to take part in the month’s assignments and hopefully I was able to provide others a glimpse into what it’s like trying to survive life after multiple losses and thank those of you who have made this journey a little easier to walk.

 

On a side note, my Precious Moments figurine arrived yesterday on the last day of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month.  It immediately brought tears to my eyes.  I absolutely LOVE it!  Missing my angels like crazy!

“Mommy’s Love Goes With You”

 

Reflection October 30, 2012

Filed under: General Feelings — Christina @ 1:43 PM

This morning was my follow-up appointment with Dr. Dodds at the Fertility Center and afterwards I found myself reflecting back on this horrible 18 month journey.

If there is one piece of advice that I could offer another woman currently experiencing a loss it would be to trust your gut.  After losing Brady I asked my former OB to run some tests on me in an attempt at figuring out why I had just lost my 2nd baby in 4 months.  She told me that she didn’t recommend any further testing and as a result I switched OB practices yet still didn’t push for any testing to be done.  The “rule of thumb” is that testing isn’t typically done until a woman has experienced 3 CONSECUTIVE losses.  Three consecutive losses!  I find this so absurd.  I understand that statistically 1 in 4 women will experience a loss, but I truly believe that testing should be done after a woman experiences 2 losses.  Losing my first baby, Caden, rocked my world and shook me to the core.  I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would experience that pain and heartache another 2 times before my “official” journey would even begin.

My “official” journey in being my own greatest advocate and pushing for someone, ANYONE, to listen to my story and help me figure out why I had just lost my 3rd baby in 14 months!  My self-advocacy led me to making myself an appointment with Dr. Dodds at the Fertility Center.  Instantly Dr. Dodds blew me away with his knowledge and compassion.  He was the first doctor to take me seriously, to agree that 3 losses in a 14 month time period were simply not flukes,  the first to refer to my babies as my children and not “products of conception,” the first to really look into my medical history, the first to offer to run various other tests in addition to the blood tests I had done earlier by Dr. Austin at MFM, the first to “figure” out the problem and be proactive in “fixing” it to the best of his ability.

Many may think that I am seeking answers to my losses because I want another baby and want to ensure to the best of my ability that another loss won’t happen.  While this is partially true, my main reason for seeking answers to my losses is because I want to know WHY my babies were taken from me.  My babies and I deserve at least that much.  I do truly hope that God has one more baby planned for my future.  I would love to know that my angels didn’t leave me for nothing; to know that they left me so that their future younger sibling would have a chance at life because without their selfless sacrifice no future baby of mine would stand a chance.  Regardless of whether or not another baby is in my future, I will NEVER forget Caden, Brady, and Spencer.  They were my “sons” just as Hayden and Connor are.  I carried each of them, I felt the wrath of their morning sickness, I saw my belly grow ever so slightly, I saw them on the ultrasound screen, I saw and heard their beautiful little heartbeats.  Those are all memories that I hold dear and memories that will never leave me.  It is because of those memories that I can’t let them go; that I won’t let them go.

My only regret in this journey thus far is that I didn’t push harder for something to be done after losing Brady.  Perhaps if I had Spencer would still be safe and sound inside my womb.  Instead if dreading the upcoming holiday’s I would be looking forward to them and the impending arrival of our “5th” son.  It is these “what ifs?” that drive me crazy.  I can’t turn back the hands of time and change my journey.  That is something that I am still learning to accept and move on from.  Grieving the loss of my 3 babies is a work in progress and I’m taking it one day at a time.

 

Capture Your Grief – Day 18 October 26, 2012

Filed under: Capture Your Grief — Christina @ 3:31 PM

Day 18:  Family Portrait (10/18/12)

Day 18 (which I skipped and am now coming back to) of Capture Your Grief has us taking a new family portrait by somehow incorporating our angels into the photo.  Since my husband is not one for taking pictures and since we are polar opposites when it comes to our grief, I chose to take a picture of my Earthly angels with my Heavenly angels.

Hayden was none too pleased about having to sit still for a pic (which you can clearly see in the photos), but Connor knows that these are pictures of “our babies in heaven.”  The babies that we send our balloons up to.  He gets it as much as a 3 year old possibly can and although I “teach” Hayden about his younger siblings as well it’s more difficult to know whether or not he understands since he is non-verbal.  But I like to believe that they both understand to a certain extent.  I will always make sure they know about their younger “brothers” and have even considered including them in this year’s SHARE Holiday Memorial.

 

Capture Your Grief – Days 27-30

Filed under: Capture Your Grief — Christina @ 10:33 AM

Day 27:  Artwork (10/27/12)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am anything BUT artistic.  I think the only thing “artistic” I have created in memory of my babies would be this blog.  It’s a way for me to document my journey in hopes of helping me heal from my losses and hopefully a way to help others who have suffered a loss as well.  This blog is also a way for me to keep my babies’ memories alive.  They may have passed at an early gestational age, but they were my “sons,” my children and I will never forget them.

Day 28:  Memory (10/28/12)

Day 28 of Capture Your Grief has us sharing one of our most significant memories (negative or positive) on this journey of grief.  Since I still consider myself to be grieving, I have chosen to share one negative and one positive memory of this journey that no parent wants to find themselves traveling.  My most significant negative memory of this journey would have to be that I often find myself going back to those horrible days of finding out that my precious babies no longer had a heartbeat.  These negative memories can be brought on for a number of reasons; visiting the hospital for my various doctor’s appointments, blood work, etc., entering the same ultrasound room in which I was told 3 consecutive times that my baby was gone, hearing that another friend is pregnant and having complications, the safe deliveries of my numerous friends delivering healthy baby boys and the thoughts of “what should have been.”  These, as well as many others, are the memories that bring me to tears and create a lot of anxiety for me.

A significant positive memory that I have come to cherish along this journey are the memories that I am creating with my fellow Angel Moms; the comfort of knowing that I am not alone in my journey; that there are other women out there that “get” what I am going through; other women who I have become so close with in such a short amount of time, bound together by our unspeakable grief and longing for our children that we will never get to hold.  Funny how some people that I considered fairly close friends are no longer present in my life, both from my doing as well as their own doing.  I was put on this journey for reasons I may never know, understand, or accept, but I wouldn’t trade my Angel Moms for anything.

Day 29:  Music (10/29/12)

These are the 2 particular songs that can bring me to instant tears and make me miss my babies even more than I already do.  Daughtry’s “Gone Too Soon” simply reminds me of all the “should have beens” and Selah’s “I Will Carry You” is my attempt to regain what little faith I have left.

Day 30:  Your Grief: Tell The World (10/30/12)

What would I tell the world about my grief?  Do not be afraid to mention my babies and refer to them by name AND to know that you are NOT alone in your grief if you have also experienced the loss of a child.

 

Capture Your Grief – Days 19 through 26 October 19, 2012

Filed under: Capture Your Grief — Christina @ 8:18 PM

NOTE:  For the time being I have skipped Day 18 of Capture Your Grief.  The “assignment” for that particular day is to do a family portrait and to somehow incorporate your angels into the picture.  I haven’t had the time to get a picture so I will attempt to do that this weekend and post it another day.

Day 19:  Project (10/19/12)

The only real “project” I’ve done in honor of my angels that took some time and creativity was a scrap book of various memories I had with the babies (pregnancy test pics, ultrasound pics, etc).  Sorry for the poor picture quality.  I am anything but a photographer.

Titled “So Special”

Day 20:  Charity/Organization (10/20/12)

The organization that has helped me in my journey of grief has been the SHARE Organization.  I attend my SHARE support group meetings once a month and have grown fairly close to my fellow angel moms; only they know my pain.  http://www.nationalshare.org/

Day 21:  Altar/Shrine/Sacred Place (10/21/12)

I have a few places throughout the house in which I have created a sacred place for my babies to be remembered; one is on the wall in our living room and the other is on top of our bedroom dresser (I also keep various photo albums of the walks/memorials I’ve attended).

Day 22:  Place of Care/Birth (10/22/12)

Although I didn’t get the chance to deliver my babies I feel as though I need to give certain people/offices credit for helping me through my journey.  I would like to thank my OB, Dr. V-Webb, for providing me with the best care possible during my pregnancy with Spencer (I was with a different OB for Caden and Brady).  Thank you for trying everything in your power to save my baby, for holding my hand as ultrasound confirmed that Spencer no longer had a heartbeat, for taking wonderful care of me during my D&C (before and after), and for referring me on to a team of specialist that would work together to provide with me the answer I had been seeking since I lost Caden 14 months earlier; WHY???

I would also like to thank Dr. Austin at Maternal Fetal Medicine for taking the time to meet with me and getting the ball rolling on ruling out various possible causes.

And finally, a HUGE thank you to Dr. Dodds at the Fertility Center for catching things that no other doctor has caught before.  For giving me a possible reason for my losses, for treating both the knowns and unknowns, and for being the knowledgeable and caring individual that you are.  You “give” people babies that had lost all hope and I’m hoping that one day soon I will be blessed as well.  I only wished you had come into my life a little earlier.

Day 23:  Their Name/Their Photo (10/23/12)

From top to bottom:  Caden Ryann, Brady Thomas, & Spencer Johnathan ❤ ❤ ❤

Our 3 Angels…Always loved, never forgotten

Day 24:  Siblings (10/24/12)

Hayden & Connor:  Big brothers to 3 younger angels in heaven!

Hayden & Connor

Day 25:  Baby Shower/Blessing (10/25/12)

I never made it far enough to have a baby showers with my angels, but with Caden we had already made several plans and arrangements in anticipation of the arrival of our 3rd child.  We moved into a bigger house, bought Hayden and Connor matching bedding sets since they would soon be sharing a room to make room for baby, and bought a few boxes of diapers, bottles, and formula.

Day 26:  Their Age (10/26/102)

 

 
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